Recipe for shark fin soup for a four-fingered aquarist

Find one particulately ornery shark.

Remove from tank and place into uncomfortably small container, only one third full of warm-ish water. Be aware that the container should be rectangular in shape so as that the shark can not turn around and bite you.

Stare malevolently at sharkeypoo for some time, whilst slowly sharpening a knife in its field of vision. Cackle quietly to yourself as you move towards the container.

Quickly stab at the bastard with aforementioned knife, making a small (but painful) incision in its rectum.

Cackle some more.

Insert knife back into rectum and slowly move in an upward direction, severing the sharks tail. Add this to a pot of boiling water (with a pinch of salt and about a teaspoon of vinegar) and stir while adding a selection of delectable herbs.

While doing this, make sure that the shark is in a good position to view the goings on.

With a pair of heavy-duty tweezers reach into the cavity where the tail was once attached, and pull out the spinal cord. At this point the damn shark should be pretty fucking agitated. This is good. Serves the cunt right.

Saute the spinal cord in a little good quality butter, with a generous spoonfull of minced garlic. Put aside for later use.

Now, back to sharkeypoo. It's time to really make him squirm. Without getting in the path of his teeth, make delicate razor incisions onto its eyeballs. [NB. it may be best to hire the assistance of a moron (ie workmate) to do this part of the prep for you]

Liberally sprinkle freshly squeezed lemon juice onto the eyeballs (isn't it great that sharks can't close their eyes).

With the previously sharpened knife cut off all remaining fins, and add to the pot with the tail in it. Toss in a selection of seasonal veges (carrots and courgettes work well) and salt and pepper to taste.

At approximately this point the shark should be dead. If not, don't be concerned, because the fucker soon will be.

Baste the torso (with head intact) in a mixture of olive oil and balsamic vinegar (lemon pepper optional) and roast for 2 and a half hours in an oven pre-heated to 200c.

By this time the fin soup will be ready. Serve in deep bowls with an accompaniment of fresh crusty bread and a good savignon blanc. The roasted torso can be cut into thin slices and put on bread.

Enjoy, and rest assured that the damn shark won't be biting your finger again.

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© Eroica Ritchie, Christchurch, New Zealand, 2003