Archive for 2004

tom baker

I had a dream last night in which I met Tom Baker. I asked him if he’d do an interview for b3ta (dunno why, but I called b3ta BThreeTA, which I never do in real life). He agreed, and I asked him how I should contact him.

He roared back at me “It does not work like that. I will contact you. You will wait for my call”. I gave him my mobile number, and he shouted at me again: “This is a premium rate number. Are you trying to con me, boy???”

Then we got into a shouting match.

It’s left me feeling a little uneasy.

prussia cove

Bollocks to this. I’m off to Cornwall for some pasties.

Update, 21.11.04: Am now back. Terrific.

acne favour

Today I received lots of spam. There is nothing unusual about this, apart from the fact that I decided to buy everything the messages told me to. I now wear an imitation rolex, have a ten-inch penis that stays hard all night long, and have brokered myself a mortgage deal with extremely favourable terms based on future monies earned from a little business deal I signed with a Mr Larry Odogwo of Lagos. I also paid close attention to the following:

I am the volunteer administrator for the Acne Resource Center, an informational resource about Acne; how it develops, the science behind it, and how to cope. In our efforts to promote awareness about acne, we have been looking for websites to exchange links with. I have taken a look at your site, and it seems as if it would be a resource that people might also be interested in viewing.

If you will link to “The Acne Resource Center”, located at www.acne-resource.org (our website) and send me an email listing where the link can be found on your site, I will add your reciprocal link to our site within 24 hours. Please just let me know what you’d like us to link to (if you would like to include a short byline for your site, please include that with your email and I’ll be happy to include that as well). You will get free traffic to your site and we would get a database of quality sites to offer our viewers.

If you desire, but certainly a simple link alone will do, a sample byline for our site would be:

Come to the Acne Resource Center for acne information, treatments and the latest research. Get plain english answers to all of your acne questions and breakdown the misinformation and myths about acne.

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask.

Kind regards,

Travis Whitley
twhitley@acne-resource.org

This sounds like a good deal. Acne can cause sufferers a great deal of social stigma, and the service that Travis suggests I promote certainly seems like a worthwhile option.

So I built a page like he suggested. I hope he likes it.

I’ve also written to Travis, as he requested.

Dear Travis,

Thanks so much for your e-mail. I don’t know how you got my e-mail address, but I’m certainly glad you did LOL!!!! I have made a special page on my website linking to yours. – it’s at www.blogjam.com/docs/acne/. I really hope you like it!!! If you could link back to me I’d be REALLY HAPPY!!! Please use the phrase “for all your aquatic needs, visit blogjam” I’d be really, well, ecstatic. Do you have a sister? Last time I played football I scored a hat-trick.

Thanks,

Fraser

Needless to say, I shall keep you informed of any further developments.

charity appeal

I’ve always admired those people who set up online campaigns to raise money for themselves to purchase breast enhancement surgery or buy their way out of debt. They must be tremendously thick-skinned folks, I imagine. The very idea of publically drawing attention to any lack of financial acumen is a no-no, and the arrogance involved in thinking that people will actually care enough to donate simply beggars belief.

Suffice to say, you’ll never catch me involved in any scheme that crass. No way. Never. Not me.

Damn. My will broke.

letter to america

This site is generally a place of light-hearted, knockabout banter, but today’s news from across the pond puts something of a dampener on affairs. Eventually the laughter has to stop, and a more serious approach adopted. It’s with this in mind that I’ve decided to write an open letter to America, expressing the doubts that many will feel about what increasingly looks likely to be a Republican victory in the Presidential election. It’s time to stand up and be counted. Time to to raise our voices and not be beaten down. Time to make a difference.

Here it is. Please feel free to pass this on and encourage others to do the same

stadio delle alpi

Back in London again. I had a tremendous couple of days in Turin, during which I learnt two things from Italian television:

  • The Pope sounds incredibly similar to Marlon Brando playing Don Vito Corleone during his Sunday broadcast from The Vatican.
  • To be a successful comedian in Italy, it helps if you’re able to mimic the mentally ill.

It wasn’t all televisual treats, mind – I spent much of the weekend being given an in-depth guided tour of the city by my host Claudia, one of the highlights being a visit to the Stadio Delle Alpi to watch Serie A leaders Juventus take on Chievo. While the stadium is architectually magnificent, a vision in concrete and cable, it’s a lousy place to watch football, processing none of the gladitorial feel of other great European stadia I’ve visited like Barcelona’s Camp Nou, Madrid’s Bernebeu, the San Siro in Milan or Northampton Town’s Sixfields Complex. Built to replace the aging Stadio Communale in time for the 1990 World Cup finals, the running-track surrounding the pitch means that the nearest fans are a good forty metres away from the action, and any atmosphere generated tends to evaporate into the alpine sky. Ironically, both Turin teans are now anxious to return to the original city-centre stadium, which has simply been left to stagnate, never redeveloped. The game itself never really gets off the ground, Juventus winning without ever breaking sweat, and Chievo never looking likely to score, even when presented with chances to do so. After a first half in which Marcelo Zalayeta gives the home side a scarcely-deserved lead, things liven up a little after the break, with Pavel Nedved pulling the strings all over the pitch then hammering home from 25 yards to put the result beyond doubt. Zlatan Ibrahimovic, a footballer of rare and startling brilliance on his day is having an absolute nightmare, hopelessly miss-placing pass after pass, but even he gets on the score-sheet before the game is over. 3-0.

There’s a few pictures here.

Next? Ajax, I think. Does anyone know how I get match tickets without buying a hotel/travel package?

juventus

In some ways, it’s been a reasonably good week. I received my first cheque from Google Adsense, signifying the moment that the blogjam network turned the corner and actually began to make a profit, taking the first step on the long road towards becoming a multi-international conglomerate cash cow employing tens of thousands of eager people who will worship me and sing my name and bow whenever I pass. I also got a story placed in Private Eye magazine (clue: the piece mentions the words ‘paedophile’ and ‘vigilante’ – but it’s not in the online version – go and buy a copy, cheaspskate). So I think I’ll celebrate. Bollocks to this, I’m off to Turin.

john peel

When people pass away, they’re invariably described as being ‘unique’. While this rather trite observation can easily be applied to anyone who tumbles off this mortal coil (with the rare exception of Dolly The Sheep, perhaps), it does appear to carry some real weight where John Peel is concerned. For a start, he was probably the only person in the World to be a fan of The Bhundu Boys and Bum Gravy.

I met John Peel once. I was working at a radio station, and we’d invited him to guest on a show. This in itself was unusual enough; a rival broadcaster appearing on a station which, to all intents and purposes, was competing for the same audience. The fact that both parties were happy for this to happen was a measure of the man, and to compound the unusual nature of the occasion John turned up half-an-hour early, and by himself. In a business filled with gargantuan egos most usually accompanied by PR lackies and other hangers-on, John rolled up alone, knocked on the door, put his feet up and sat down with a cup of tea.

Like anyone in the UK serious about music, I’d gone through a Peel phase, huddled obsessively next to the radio eagerly awaiting the next session track from Head of David or Prong. I’d even been present at the recording of a couple of Peel sessions, and fully expected to fill the time until he went on air by boring him with questions about The Four Brothers and Bolt Thrower, and why the BBC studios at Maida Vale were used more often for recording bands than those at Golders Green. Instead we talked about religion, and then death. To this day I’ve got no idea how the conversation developed along these lines, but it ended with John saying how he didn’t believe in any sort of afterlife, that such a thing would invalidate the very point of living. If there’s more when you’re gone, why hang around? Why not cut out the middleman and get straight on with the cherubs and fruit trees and waters of life? Every moment of our time on Earth was there to be experienced and, above all, savoured.

Now I don’t expect for a moment that this offers any great insight into the personality of the man, and I’m not really sure what point I’m trying to prove. Or even if I have one. But the conversation stayed with me. Peel was a bumbling, loveable and, it seemed to me, contented fellow; someone who’d lived a life he probably wouldn’t change a moment of, and who knew precisely how lucky he was to have done so.

Of course, if he’s wrong, and there is a house band in Heaven, I hope they’re playing Ukrainian Electro Death Dub. And if they’re not? Then he’ll probably find one that does.

climbing cats

The following picture was submitted to the random kitten generator by someone called Dave.

Climbing Cats

As they tend to say in Internet circles: WTF?

Update: I heard back from Dave. He says.

My cats don’t climb the screen door anymore now that thay’ve grown up. The
lightest one is 10 pounds and the biggest is 17 pounds… I don’t think they would be able to do it anymore.

Well. I think that’s a pity.

cease and desist

A couple of weeks back I wrote an entry called don’t ask jeeves. This title planted the seed of an idea in my head, and I was somewhat surprised to check and discover that no-one had registered the domain name. So I purchased dontaskjeeves.com myself. I built a page which ripped off the original Ask Jeeves design, replacing the super-efficient and helpful Jeeves character with one who, although looking identical, was much more cantankerous and unfriendly. You could insert a search term, and Jeeves would refuse to deliver any results, instead returning a rude message and a link to a random site completely unconnected to your search.

Although this sounds like the most hilarious thing ever, it didn’t really work too well in reality. I’m not too sure why, but I wasn’t happy with it, so I never linked to it. And now, you’ll never get to see it. Today I received an e-mail from my webhosts with a cease and desist order attached from Morrisson and Foerster, Attorneys at Law. MoFo, as they’re brilliantly known in real life, were acting on behalf of Ask Jeeves, and claimed that I had infringed the company’s copyright. Which I had. Obviously. Guilty as charged, your honour. So I took the page down, rather than have my webhost terminate my account.

Anyone want to buy a domain name? Good condition, one careful owner.

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